Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
