Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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