Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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