I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
