My Higher Power is John Stamos
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
