i need an iv and a liver transplant
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
be right there i have to get my cape
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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