Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
