that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
