I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
