i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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