Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
