I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
