Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
