oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
