There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
