I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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