you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
