Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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