Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
