Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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