I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
