I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
