Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
