WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
