I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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