I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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