Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
