I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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