So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
