I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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