All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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