He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
