Your mouth is God's brothel.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
