i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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