Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
