Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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