he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
