apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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