Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
