K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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