I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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