Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
