either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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