Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
