So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
