so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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