Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
