I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
