You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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