I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
