Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
