Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
