Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
