after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize