I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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