True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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