apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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