you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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